Centered

There is no question in my mind that life is about seasons.

Each season has its unique characteristics -
seasons of new life and new birth,
seasons of growth,
 seasons of harvest,
seasons of dormancy.

Sometimes I look back to previous seasons of my life and I feel I should go back to that time... go back to the way I lived... go back.

We cannot go back.  We must go forward.

This June will be my 5 year anniversary of relocating to MO.  Despite the fact that my life has changed so dramatically, I still sometimes look back to the time in MD right before coming here.  I think about how I connected with God and feel a sense of guilt that I do not do as I used to.  But how can?

Then I worked less than 40 hours a week.  Then I was single.  Then I went for long walks in the state park and by the bay.  Then I journaled.  Then my life was primarily about myself.

Now I work more than 40 hours a week.  Now I am married and have a little baby.  Now I am afraid to take long walks after a traumatic experience of getting lost in the woods for several hours.  Now I barely have time to write and my brain is a little foggy.  Now my life cannot be primarily about myself.

When I look back I have this image of myself as being centered....
Centered....

I have these ideals about what life should look like and be like.  I compare myself to what I believe others to be and do.  I imagine that working moms are also able to keep the house clean, exercise, rise early in the morning for time with the Lord.  I imagine that they keep gardens and water their house plants.  I imagine an unattainable ideal.

I wish I could begin each day with quiet and time set aside for centering my day, focusing on the Lord, reading, journalling, etc.  But each day I barely make it to work 15 minutes late.  I have almost entirely given up on make-up and my morning routine seems to be getting longer as Sarai gains mobility.

So now, in this season - as a working mother who cannot seems to get enough sleep - how do I find my center?  How do I ground my day on a solid foundation?  How do I get my messy life ordered enough so I can be productive and have peace?

Today I realized something...
My days are not built upon my ability.
My days are built upon Him.

He is the Center.  He is the foundation.  He is peace and life and love.

I am so grateful that God moves and works in me and through me despite my inadequacies and mess.  He is Good, and I can build my day on Him.