Blind Spot

I think we all live with blind spots - areas of our own selfishness or brokenness that lay hidden to us until, for some reason, we are forced to turn our heads and notice what has long been there.  I am so grateful that God is gracious and patient with us, gradually revealing these dark spots in our heart and character, rather than forcing us to face all of them at once.

Sometimes the only way to see a blind spot is to have everything else stripped away.

As I sat in church this past Sunday, tears began rolling down my face as the first of the Advent songs was sung.  I wasn't being "moved by the Spirit" or caught up in the joy of Christmas, I was grieving and feeling sorry for myself.  "This is the first Advent I can remember in all my life that I have no role and I don't matter."

Really?!  Is Advent all about me?!

It's a season of anticipation, looking to the coming and returning of the Savior of the World, the King of the Universe and all I could think about was how I wasn't going to be singing, or playing the flute, or planning worship, or preaching.

As I sat in church thinking about my sorry state, I was humbled - realizing my own self-focus and self-importance.  And then I began to see even more how my blind spot affected my life.

In a way I have had everything stripped from my life - work, finances, a sense of purpose, volunteering, being important.  All these things have given way to the life I now have where I am important to my husband, my daughter, and the child on the way.  My life has been broken down to it basic elements.  And in this place of simplicity and solitude I am beginning to see what God is doing.

I am falling in love with my husband again....

We have had a rough go.  When my husband and I married, there were people in my life that thought I was making a mistake, and told me so.  Then when our newly-wed season was cut short only three months in by chronic pain developing in my husband's hip, we had no idea what was coming....  Pain changes a personality.  So do pain meds, losing a hip, and withdrawal from pain meds.  The first two years of our marriage were consumed with the terror and pain of trying to find sanity and normalcy after a few months on high doses of pain medication.  We walked a terrifying path of people offering no comfort, no hope, no support as, for a year, my husband experienced withdrawal symptoms despite the fact that he had not taken any pain pills for a long time.  Drs in our area offered no medical assistance and instead used words like - addict.

We were so alone in all this.  As a pastor, I couldn't confide in many people.  I was afraid of what people thought - afraid that they were right.

Then, exactly a year after stopping the pain meds, my husband was himself again.  But he was himself in a place where few people reached out to him, where he didn't feel like he fit in, where he was struggling to finish school so that he could support his family and be the husband he longed to be.  A place where people did not hide their disapproval that he wasn't working while doing school.

Despite this, he pushed forward, praying and desiring to become the man God had made him to be.

And now everything is different....

My husband finds great joy and purpose in his work.  He delights in his time with family.  He has friends and family who believe in him and encourage him, who befriend him and love him.  We live in a world where people see us as a couple rather than as Jessica and her husband.

And in this place where so much is gone from my life, I am seeing the man that I married.  And what a wonderful man he is.

I think of all we have been through together and I think about where we are right now - sharing life, making decisions together, increasingly become united and unified in the way we move and live.  We are growing and our love is growing.  Our marriage has been seasoned by the storms and struggles of life and the result is something strong and beautiful.

I was blind to it when my life was all about my own purpose and meaning...

Now its about us.

Seeing shows me how incredibly blessed I am.  And, I feel like a young newlywed deeply in love with her groom.