The co-existence of doubt and faith

I am not sure I have ever doubted God more than I do currently....

I am not sure I have ever had more faith in God than I do right now....

Doubt

Faith

Can they coexist?

Spending many months home with children, alone with my thoughts, and also dealing with intense emotional pain has had me reflecting on God's existence a lot lately.  To be honest, I understand why people are atheists.  I understand why they have such a difficult time synthesizing the human experience with science and the idea of God.  I understand because I have a difficult time synthesizing.

Pain deeply affects the way we see and understand the universe.  If you have ever been in or known someone with intense pain, you have seen how their ability to function changes.  Their personality can change.  Pain is noisy, making it difficult to hear hope, joy, and goodness.

In the midst of all this doubt I find myself continuing to believe and to live this faith I have spoken of so many times.  There is a Kingdom that I want to build... it is a place where the blind see, the lame walk, the dead are raised.  It is a Kingdom of interconnectedness and healing, where no one is ever alone.  It is a place of forgiveness, love that cannot be shaken.  It is a place of wholeness, of beauty, of goodness, and of peace.

In the midst of my pain and doubt I find myself looking for this Kingdom and seeing glimmers of it all around.

I see it in a woman with a horrible past full of abuse and destruction as she fights for others, seeking to bring healing.

I see it in a congregation that has rallied around a grieving pastor after his daughter tragically died following years of horror which culminated in a drug overdose.

I see it in my children as they love each other and love me.

I see it in my family who has taken care of my husband and I during a difficult and painful time.

I see it in my husband as he fights every day for me and our children.

I see it all around.

I find the brokenness of the world totally overwhelming and yet it makes me fighting mad.  This deep infection in all of creation (often called sin) is wrong.  I want to do something about it.  I want to fight the darkness.

Which has me pondering the direction my life is headed...

Faith in the midst of doubt.  Joy in the midst of pain.  A path in the middle of the wilderness.