The grass is greenest...

The disillusionment happened shortly after I graduated college.  I was trying to figure out what to do with my life and wondered when someone was going to help me figure it out.

Who was the adult to mentor me in adulthood?

Who had it all together enough to guide me into becoming a proper grown-up?

And then I realized... no one.  The reason was very simple - no one has a clue what they are doing.  There are no adults who have figured it out.  We are all just mucking our way through life trying to do the best we can.

There is no single answer because there are no two people with the same backgrounds, personalities, and opportunities.  Add into all this the complexity of reality and relationships, and we are left without an answer.  Life is more like a story than a math problem.  The choices are limitless, there is no single correct answer.

It doesn't take long reading this blog to realize that I am living in a bit of a crossroads - that place of ambiguity where you are not quite sure what the next thing is...

We are really good at constantly living for the next thing without living in the now.

So much energy is spent trying to figure out what to do next and we do not always see what to do today.

My current work situation has left me at home (my in-laws house) spending my time as a care-giver for my daughter and the baby on the way.  Our financial situation dictates that I will need to work somehow soon (I am fairly certain my in-laws would prefer we eventually move out :)

The house has two families' stuff in it and it is not particularly big.  It is a sweet modest house.

Also it rains all the time.

Also if it is sunny, it is cold.

Also I don't really know anyone.

My daughter and I have been watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  In his good-bye song he says, "I think I'll make a snappy new day." Life is often about making each day "snappy" rather than hoping circumstances will just be so.

We humans are really good at looking at our circumstances and thinking, "If only things were like... then I would be happy."  I have friends who work that wish they could stay home, friends without jobs who just want to work.  Life circumstances dictate a lot of how we live.  We can resent that or we can learn to embrace it.

I am trying to embrace my current circumstances.  And, I am starting to really enjoy my "new job."  I decided that if I am going to make my domain the home, I will try to do it really well.  I am cleaning and organizing the kitchen, planning meals, playing with my daughter, trying to create order in the garage, going to mom's group and finding ways to meet people.

My circumstances will not last.  I will not always live in this house.  I will have to find some way of earning money which will alter and clutter my schedule.  I will have more than one child soon.  I will be tired.  And the list of changes goes on and on and on.

I think about when Paul was talking about the secret to contentment in all situations - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

It turns out the grass is greenest right where we are.  There is no grass anywhere else and there is no moment but right now.  Life is really hard, but if I spend less time anticipating the difficulty and more time finding moments to enjoy right now, I think I will be happier.  And that is what I will try to practice.

Don't misunderstand me - there are tons of moments in life that shouldn't exist, that are terrible, that shouldn't be enjoyed.  Also, we have to prepare for the future in many ways....  But, somewhere there is a balance between preparation and worry, between acceptance and fighting for change.

I am striving to find that balance in the smallness of my current life.  I have traditionally spent more time thinking about how my circumstances need to change than time seeing the beauty around me and the greenness of the grass right here.  Today I will try to look for the beauty.  I will try to find joy amongst the laundry, dishes, crying fits, financial worries, and lack of job opportunities that fit my gifts and skills.  I will see a funny little girl who loves books more than anything else, who wants to "help" me clean and fold the laundry.  I will try to find joy in holding my girl and being able to comfort her when she cries.  I will look for hope in the midst of job opportunities that don't seem to fit and will try to find ways to dream about a bright future that builds off of today.

I will do my best to make this a snappy new day.