When hoping seems hopeless (or don't count your chickens when those aren't eggs)

The last few months I have been somewhat consumed with trying to get my conditional teaching certificate so that I can take a job teaching music in the same school where my husband teaches.  I hand delivered my application for certification over two months ago but it needed one more form - a form from the school district saying they wanted to hire me.

I sent email after email, made phone call after phone call asking them to fill out the form and wondering if there was anything else I could do.

In late November (I have been in this process since early October) they finally notified me that I need passing test scores and to be enrolled in a certification program.  Immediately I signed up for the test, which happened to be the next weekend.  I studied and passed.  Then I contacted a graduate program and hand delivered a letter with my acceptance.

Two days ago, the first day after Christmas break, I contacted the principal and found out they are hiring someone else.

I love to dream and hope.  I've come to a place in my heart where I was so excited about teaching music.  My husband and I spent time imagining what our summers would be like.  I dreamed of having access to a variety of instruments and becoming proficient.  So much fun to dream about....

Then nothing....

On Monday I found myself wanting to descend into despair.  Every time I get my hopes up about a particular direction, a door that could open, I am disappointed when it closes.

But even as my desire was to give in to hopelessness, I felt like the Lord was encouraging me to trust him.  Does he know how hard it is to trust Him?  I feel like Christ looks at me with a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face as if to say, "Oh Jessica, you have no idea what I have in store."

So I am trying to trust that the Lord is the great opener and closer of doors and that something somewhere will open at the right time.  I believe that God will work things out, but I find myself frustrated with the timing as I try to figure out which bills to pay and how to create order in a house that is a little too full and doesn't belong to me.

Tuesday I went to a Bible Study at the church where we have been attending.  During the study, the leader told us to imagine something that causes us to panic and to give it to God.  We were to imagine God giving us something in return.  I imagined my life as being in a really thick fog - the sort of fog that gets school cancelled because there is no visibility.  God did not take the fog away but instead gave me a headlamp.  Again I felt the sparkle in his eye as if he was saying, "I will let you see just ahead to the next thing.

Someone told me about a mom's group that meets on Wednesdays (there is free babysitting for both the Bible study and the mom's group).  Today I went to the mom's group.

My husband and I chose the church we are attending because one of his childhood friends attends there.  I have never met her, though her brother was my husband's best man in our wedding.  This morning I looked up her married name so that if I were to run into her, I would know who she is.

She was the first person I saw at the mom's group.

I immediately introduced myself and told her my husband's name.  Her face lit up as she shook my hand and we began talking.

I am beginning to meet people, beginning to get connected, beginning to fall into the rhythm of maintaining a house.  My hope is growing dramatically, but not in any of the directions I anticipated.  Hope is a funny thing.  When put in the right place hope drives us forward, and gives us the strength to take each next step.  When put in the wrong place, hope disappoints and leaves us hopeless.

So I will stop counting on this thing or that thing to happen, and will instead try to put my hope and trust in the fact that I am not alone, and God is moving in my life.  I am not giving up on trying to find a job, I am just redirecting my hope.

And I find that my hope is greater and the future looks brighter than it has in many months.