(Re)defining Success - facing a misguided mindset

We all have an image of what it looks like to be successful.  For each of us that image is different.  Our image may change some as we journey through life, as we strive to embody the image we have.  Many factors contribute to the picture in our minds - society, our upbringing, genetics, people we have deemed successful, our experience, etc.

What happens when you look at your life and realize that, though it used to, it no longer reflects the image of success so deeply ingrained in your psyche?  How do you evaluate your life when you know you are doing your best, but your best no longer leads down the path you thought you should go?  What do you do when your life, like a train, was headed on one track and very suddenly it changes trains, switches tracks, and begins going in a direction that is totally foreign to you?

This is where I am... realizing that my image of success was biased, and may have little bearing on reality - at least the reality of my current life.

I remember being in high school and on one of those rare occasions when I was home alone, I would pretend that I was a successful woman - single, professional, a hard worker, someone who cooks delicious, healthy, and beautifully plated meals.  I would imagine the day I would have my own place where I would live alone.  The apartment would be beautifully decorated, I would host game nights and dinners.  My life would be elegant and it would revolve around my professional success.

When I was in St. Joseph I would often compare myself to a woman that I knew: she is professionally very successful, has excellent education, a beautiful and "always clean" home, a successful husband, works more than 40 hours a week, has delightful children, goes on vacations,  and even has time to bake and deliver meals to those in need.  She embodied my ideal - and when I measured my life against how I perceived her, I always fell short, but at least I was headed in the "right" direction.

Now I would not even compare my life to hers... there is very little in common.

I've switched trains, changed tracks, and am headed in a foreign and unimagined direction.

And yet, in this strange direction I have peace.  There is beauty.  There is incredible joy.

In my life I have been proud of my independence.  I am very competitive and have often felt the need to prove I can do things.  I moved across the country by myself to a place where I knew no one, I financially supported my family, I tried to do everything with creativity and excellence.

I have shared in this blog that my life is small.  It is also interdependent in a way I have never known.  I have a little girl who needs me, and she is my companion and company throughout the day.  I am reliant on the generosity of parents who have allowed us to live in their house.  I am dependent on my husbands financial contribution to the family, as I am providing meagerly to our bank accounts.

What if success doesn't look like rugged individualism?  What if it isn't about the house you live in or your financial security?  What if life isn't about the image I have kept in my head for so long?

What if success looks like sweeping the kitchen floor for the fifth time today or mopping it even though I don't want to?  What if success looks like supporting my husband's crazy schedule by making sure we have delicious and inexpensive meals each night?  What if success looks like crawling on the floor chasing a toddler, letting her play at the counter while I cook, dancing around the living room with the elegance of an overweight three-legged giraffe?  What if it looks like just simply getting out of bed and facing each day?

What if success looks like having no choice but being totally reliant on God?  What if success looks like laying down my individualistic need to prove myself and is instead about family, community, relationships?

I have a friend who never imagined being a mother, and now she is.  She has trouble with this part of her identity.  I suggested to her that maybe her understanding of what a mother is needs to change.

I know that my understanding of success needs to change.  Not so that it will perfectly fit my life and I can say, "Hey I am successful," but so that I can know how to move forward and grow in the midst of my current circumstances.