Waiting...

Waiting can be one of the most agonizing experiences....  I am not talking about the excited sort of waiting, when you know something glorious is coming just around the corner, but rather waiting for the unknown.

My life has been so up and down since leaving Missouri.  There are moments of total peace and dependence on God - trusting that he has brought us here and has plans for our family; joy in spending every day with my little girl.  Then there are the other moments - moments when I wonder what I have done; when I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel of financial difficulty; moments where I find myself getting hopeful about a future that keeps falling through.

Just after writing the last blog entry and having tremendous peace I received a phone call from the principal of the school where I have been trying to get a job since September.  This came very unexpectedly.  I believed the job opportunity had fallen through and I began to direct my attention elsewhere - beginning Kindermusik training and trying to pick up piano students.  The principal was wondering if I would be interested in coming in as a substitute for the music position, with the possibility of getting the job next year.  I told him that I would.

The following week was spent fighting to find out what I need to do in order to become a substitute teacher.  After several days I finally figured out what to do and was able to get the proper people to fill out the paper work.... Then I was back to waiting.  I was waiting to find out how long this would take, when I would be able to get into the classroom, and when I would be issued a substitute teaching certificate.

Finally the word came that I had been issued the certificate.  On Tuesday I did my employee training and notified the principal that I can begin any time now.  I received no response...  So I called and called and have been told he would call back, but still nothing.

I understand that there are broken systems that are still "functioning" or at least moving forward.  The systems in this school district are very much this way.  The principal has an extremely full plate and is trying to manage a low functioning school in the context of a larger system that is very cumbersome and broken.

I am still waiting...

In the first assignment of the Kindermusik training I am supposed to draw what my life is like today - the way I spend my time, my stressors, etc.  Then I am supposed to draw a picture of my dream life - what I wish it looked like.  I do not even know how to do the second picture.  My life and future feel so hidden and clouded.  Which path do I walk?  Which path should I walk?  How do I move forward?

Path 1: Teaching
The first path is the one that financially makes more sense for my family and would also fill me with a deep sense of purpose and satisfaction.  I like working.  Teaching opens many doors.  Teaching also provides summers home with my children, christmas vacation, midwinter and spring breaks.  It gives me snow days.  It is also a very difficult job that will demand a tremendous amount of time and energy - summers spent studying music and preparing for the next year, time spent becoming more proficient vocally and instrumentally, at least 1 year of full time graduate school to finish my residential teaching certificate, weekend and evening rehearsals for competitions and performances, and building a program from the ground up.

Path 2: Childcare
The second path is a path where I spend much of my day with my children.  I get to see them grow every step of the way, hear each first word.  It is a life in which I get to continue attending my Bible study, mom's group, and Kindermusik classes.  I would teach several hours a week, primarily in the afternoon and evenings.  I only have to find someone to come in part time to watch my children while I work.  At this point this option is not financially viable.  Then what do I do when my kids are in school full time in a few years?  Do I try to enter the work field at a basic level because no one cares about my decade of experience?  Do I go back to school even though I have not earned enough money to be able to afford my master's degree?  Do I try for ministry or teaching or something else?

I cannot tell which path I would prefer.  I do not know if either path is actually an option.  All I know is that as I take each step forward I continue to feel lost - stuck in a thick fog that doesn't seem to be lifting and fighting against a system that seems to have no interest in me.

Waiting for the unknown is so difficult and yet most of life is totally unknown.  I think of the other waiting I have done: Would I get married or not?  Children or not?  Teach or do ministry?  Where would I live?  Would I make friends in a new place?  Will I wrestle with depression all my life?  Will my friend stay or leave?  Will my family move or come to my aid?

Sometimes I find myself thinking superstitiously about faith.  It's like I internalized somewhere down the line that I am either being successful or failing because of my obedience (or lack of obedience) to God.  I worry that if I don't say the right thing, pray the right thing, do the right thing, follow some unknown narrow path just right, things will not work out.

What a terrible image of God!  An image of him as a father who says, "I have a map and if you stray from it even a little, things will go terribly with you."  But then he doesn't speak loudly or show us the answer.  Like he is saying, "Even though you can't see the path, I have placed secret hidden clues all over and it is your fault and failure for not finding them."

Really?!  Is God that way?!

Of course he isn't.  He is more like a father who holds our hand as we walk to the park and lets us choose which pieces of equipment to play on.  He even lets us make some foolish choices, maybe climb a little too high and get stuck, or slide down the wet slide.  He is present in the midst of all of it.

I am trying to fight the bad theology of the superstition I internalized long ago.  Too much emphasis on "finding God's will for your life" can be dangerous.  It takes away the dialogue with God, strips us of intimacy, and increases our stress and worry.

So I will keep emailing and calling the principal and at the same time trying to get more piano lessons and complete my Kindermusik training.  I will walk forward in both ways until a door truly opens or closes.  And in the mean time I will fight against fear and doubt and choose to believe that God will take care of us.  That we will be ok.

But most of all, I will trust that he loves me.