It has been a long time since I last posted anything and much has happened.... In May our second child was born, a beautiful little girl. In her second week of life I got a new job (new career too) and am working from home, full-time, as part of a design/engineering team for a company out of DC that lays cable. At this time I am mainly doing research and filling out permit applications.
The job my husband has been working with the school district hasn't yet been made into a full-time position. Though he gave up a second job to focus on building the program, the administration did no recruiting. So, my husband is job hunting. Again. It is discouraging.
And now for something completely different...
Letting go....
The past two nights I have had dreams about Wyatt Park Christian Church (the church where I worked until October). When I left Wyatt Park in October I really didn't want to. It was painful and there was a deep deep grief and sense of loss for me. Those feelings have definitely lingered. The past few weeks I have been doing a bit of cyber stalking as I look at pictures and read posts about the youth mission trip and VBS (fighting the desire to post comments about inside jokes and years gone by), both of which are activities that I once planned and led. My husband keeps telling me I need to let go, and that was the focus of my dreams.
Two nights ago in my dream I was at Wyatt Park during VBS. I wanted to help but knew I shouldn't. I kept telling people that I couldn't offer advice or get involved because I didn't work there any more. Also, I was moving into the same apartment building as my sister-in-law and had a deep sense of peace about it, knowing it was the right thing even though it had taken me away from the Church. Last night in my dream I was at Church for a worship service which was being led by a Christian band who had been brought in by the new associate pastor. I knew that I shouldn't be at the service and so I left.
Letting go is not easy. I am having a hard time of it. But, letting go is essential throughout our lives so that we can grow into the next thing and also so that we can experience healing....
We have experiences that greatly impact and shape us. Some experiences are good and beautiful, and we have trouble letting go because we want to go back to some aspect of that part of our lives. Some experiences are difficult and negative, and we have trouble letting go because the pain (anger, shame, sorrow, hatred, etc.) has become a part of our self-identity... like a piece of fabric wrapped so tightly around us that it has interwoven with our skin, hiding the self we are meant to be. Much of the time we do not notice how it became a part of us, or when it became a part of us. But we see the negative fruit in our lives...
Every fruit has a root...
Good fruit comes from the good things planted deeply within our hearts... like manners and kindness that were instilled during childhood. The nature of life is that we plant small things, tiny like seeds, and they grow into very big things that proliferate. We see this in nature. It is a law of nature that God created for the purpose of good - an apple seed becomes an apple tree which becomes an apple orchard.
When sin entered the world this good law was twisted by sin so that when dark things, painful things, sick things, sad things, negative things are planted, they also grow into something bigger that spreads.
If we see that there is a fruit in our lives, it has to have a root...
Some roots run very deep and cannot easily be removed.
Some roots cannot be removed by ourselves because they are so deeply interwoven with our identity that skilled eyes are needed to see how the root grows, and skilled hands are required to gently cut it out of our hearts.
Of course the deepest roots grow from seeds planted during childhood. Some of the seeds were sown by others (the sin of others impacting us through our genetics, abuse, or just negative and hurtful behaviors). Other seeds we sow ourselves... these sometimes come from inner vows....
Inner vows are promises we make ourselves, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously, that end up binding us in a behavior pattern.
Generally if we look at the behavior pattern we can begin to see the shape of the vow. This needs to be done through prayer and in safe relationships with others who help us to see ourselves more clearly.
When I was in my early 20s I had a "romantic curse". Whenever I fell in love with someone, they would quickly find someone else and were married within 2 years. This happened about 8 times. I asked the Lord to show me why this kept happening and I became aware of an inner vow that took root.
In my childhood I watched my older sister long for the love of her life more than anything else. She so much wanted to be in love, get married, and have a family. I promised myself I would never be like that. I sowed a seed that grew into a plant that seemed to make me invisible to the men I fell in love with.
The only way I know of to get rid of the fruit of our inner vows is to have them broken. The only one I know of that has the power to break those inner vows is Christ.
Working out our salvation with fear and trembling is not just about "sin management" aka being good and not being bad. It is also about facing ourselves and fighting to have things removed from our lives that bear negative fruit. It is an ongoing and sometimes painful process of honestly looking at our lives rather than living in denial.
And as the truth of ourselves is brought to light, through God and community and a willingness to face it, the roots are removed and we are able to let go...
To truly let go of our pain and our sin...
To sow new seeds in the holes where the only things grew...
To learn new habits and to see new fruit...
To find healing...
And to be set free.
No comments:
Post a Comment