I visited a church today and as I prepared myself emotionally (after five and a half years as a pastor) I realized that the last time I visited a church I was on assignment for my own church - we were in the process of revamping our Sunday mornings and wanted to see what other churches were doing.
Visiting any place is hard. Especially if you have slight agoraphobia. So we arrived and my husband dropped me at the door. Then I went to drop my daughter off at the nursery. No one knows me. No one knows that I oversaw children's programming and implemented check-in and safety procedures. So the young lady explains check-in to me and why they do things this way.
My husband and I leave our happy baby in the care of the church nursery and then headed to worship. As the worship music played, no one knew that I have been a part of and even led worship teams. As the pastor preached, no one knew that I, less than a month ago, was preaching regularly at my own church.
No one even knew my name.
No one even asked.
I am wrestling with the reality of anonymity. I moved from a world where my job was public, I saw people I knew everywhere, and sometimes met people who had heard of me before. Now I live in a world where no one knows me except my husband's family. No one knows who I am, what I've done or what I am capable of.
I believe that people, in the core of who we are, want to be known. We want intimacy with others. We want to be authentic, to be loved. We want people to accept our bizarre idiosyncrasies and know how to navigate our personalities. And yet, people walk around all the time being totally unknown.
The other day a lady in a toy store gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be ok. A stranger in a toy store engaged me and knows more about me than anyone in the church I visited - and more about me than almost anyone in the Seattle area... a stranger who took the time to ask me a few questions about my life. She even shared some of her story with me.
So my world has changed. I move about this new world in complete anonymity. There is a freedom in that (like I can wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row and go out without looking in the mirror or washing my hair), but it is also hard. I can recreate myself if I want to - new first impressions and a blank slate. But I don't want to. Really I am not excited about all the work it takes to become known by others.
However, I will do the work. And maybe I will even be more intentional about getting to know the anonymous people I encounter throughout my days.
As somebody who definitely shares your mild agoraphobia, I feel like I can relate. Also, I definitely felt this way for the first few months right after I moved to Manhattan. Before, I had just come from a smallish closely-knit math department, where everybody had known who I was for the last several years. After moving to attend K-State, I felt like everyone who saw me or talked to me for a minute thought I was a freshman and was then new to the whole college thing entirely, given my age (and the fact that I generally look even younger than I am). Unless I had to give specific detail about my plans at school, of course nobody guessed that I'd already been in college for half of my life and would in fact probably become their math teacher in the next week.
ReplyDeleteThough, also, it was probably a little easier for me to start getting involved because there are usually plenty of ways to do so at college. And I suppose that the fact that I dyed my hair purple probably also helped with the anonymous thing. I say this for the sake of honesty and full disclosure, not because I necessarily recommend that you should, of course...
Your post actually really made me think about the people that I see very little of or don't know much about in my life. Considering that connecting socially to someone who I haven't talked to before or haven't had time to get to know yet has never been and may never be one of my strengths, the prospect of reaching out as such is very daunting to me. I feel like I should find a way to start out small, though. You never know whether the shy person you see a few times a week is just socially reserved at times or if they could really use your help.
Since I haven't really gotten to talk to you or Kevin (or, I suppose, your daughter =P) since the move, I also just wanted to remind you that you all have a very special and irreplaceable spot in my heart and that you're never anonymous to me! I love you all so so much, and may you have the best of luck getting used to life in the Pacific Northwest. Remember that I'm always just a text or call or email or Facebook message away if you'd like to chat. =)
Rylan
Oh Jess, I remember living in Orlando during Kinzie's first year of life. I did not have 1 gfriend either. It was the MOST lonely year of my life. Matt had a few bachelor friends and that was it. I kniw you will make it. Kevin and you will only become closer and of course your walk with God will only grow:) We all love and miss you back here. Call us anytime you need to. The girls would LOVE to hear from you. Look for a MOPS group or Me and Moms'. That was my saving grace when we moved to Denver from FL.
ReplyDeleteLove, erika :)
Oops...know:) too late to type from my teeny phone.
ReplyDeleteErika
Jessica, I know that feeling of searching for a new church. I know the feeling of being ignored. Somewhere there is a place for you and your family....you just have to keep looking. Someday, you will walk into that place and you will know you have found a home, just like you did at Wyatt Park. Keep looking and don't give up!
ReplyDeleteNow, there is a place that will embrace your talents and your dreams. Don't let your circumstances NOW rule you. AND I KNOW YOU WON'T!! Even though you don't feel strong and confident at this minute, inside your heart of hearts you know are. Be still and know that God is God and He has a wonderful plan for you.
Always remember, you are loved by many and many are praying for you.
Love, Linda Stewart
Wowzo Jessica - I can so relate to you. What always spoke to me about you was your complete honesty & willingness to just be you. You will find a place there - this is a time thing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other & be there for your little girl & husband. God is in control & you know he hasn't forsaken you. This is a new beginning for you & your family - try to keep ahold of that idea & listen and sing w/ music - ALOT. It really soothes the soul - so many love you & your family. You are so missed - but I am so excited for you as well girl :) hang in there & know that the praying has begun.......
ReplyDeletemm
Jessica - My name is Kevin C. Brown and I am a UCC pastor in Bellevue, just across the lake. I grew up in St. Joe and a friend connected me with your blog. I am not sure where you live, but would love to have your family visit our church - Bellevue First Congregational, UCC. If I can be of any service to you or your family as you transition to the Pacific Northwest (it is a different culture!), please don't hesitate to contact me @ 425/736.1814. ~kevin
ReplyDeleteDear Jess,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling low. Transitions can do that to us - leaving us feeling unbalanced and confused - not needed anymore. It is possible that there is a gift hidden somewhere in what you are experiencing. Right now you are Jesus in disguise - you are like him as he walked the dusty streets of Palestine - recognizable to only a few - the neediest among the throngs. The woman in the toy store recognized who you are, there will be others soon enough. Be patient and let God teach you through this. Perhaps the gift is that you will learn how to recognize his face in other "anonymous" people.
I love you, Aunt Marie
Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI am glad your mom posted your blog, because I too, have had to readjust to life. We move in and out of individual's life and know they have made us the way we are. You are where God has called you and know you will become a foundation there, also. I remember the first time we visited Mt. Zion and how Betsy enjoyed getting involved in the youth program. You still shine to me!! God will see you through. It is hard to be the "newbie"; it doesn't last forever.
Blessings,
Linda Dary
Hey Jess. Love you. I always struggle with the transition from the school year to summer vacation. You're going through a much bigger transition. If you want, fly out for Thanksgiving. : ) HI
ReplyDeleteI am feeling this way as well Jessica as we begin our lives in Nairobi. It is exciting to be in this new season of life though, because of the knowledge that the Lord has planned it from the beginning and it‘s okay.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling this way as well Jessica as we begin our lives in Nairobi. It is exciting to be in this new season of life though, because of the knowledge that the Lord has planned it from the beginning and it‘s okay.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your care, concern and prayers for me in the midst of this transition in my life.
ReplyDeleteIt is my hope that each of us also becomes aware of all the anonymous people who walk through the doors of our churches. That if we see a face we do not know, we go out of our way to know the person - asking questions about their life and listening to the answers.